What Did Jesus Say About Divorce?
The following is a sermon delivered on The Lord's Day, April 19, 2020, at First Southern Baptist Church in Junction City, KS. You can listen to the audio portion of the sermon through the player below. The text was from Matthew 5:31-32.
31 "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
When I was preparing for this series in the book of Matthew, I can't remember where I was reading when I realized that I was going to be preaching on some of the hardest-hitting topics I've ever had to address as a pastor. If there's one thing Jesus was not in His earthly ministry, it's a soft preacher.
We have examined the subject of divorce before, but no where as directly as we find it here in the book of Matthew. There are two prominent passages where Jesus addressed this subject: here in Mathew 5 is the first, and later on in chapter 19. We will look at both sections today, and God-willing, we will come back to this subject again when we get to Matthew 19. I want to begin by understanding both a cultural and a biblical definition of divorce, then we'll make a closer examination of our text, and finally we'll draw out some practical applications.
But first, let's get really basic: What is divorce? In the simplest of terms, divorce is the end of a marriage. The dictionary defines divorce as, "a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or in part, especially one that releases the marriage partners from all matrimonial obligations."
We as Christians hold to a biblical definition of marriage, also the true definition of marriage, as God has created it. A marriage is the covenant union of one man and one woman for life. Therefore, we must have a biblical definition of divorce, which is to break that covenant between the husband and wife. There are some thirty passages in the Bible addressing the subject of divorce, and none of them speak of divorce as a good thing. It is regarded as grievous as death, for that's what divorce is—a divorce is the death of a marriage.
But we believe in a God who raises the dead, and God can also revive a marriage that seems doomed. If you live in a bad marriage, trust in the God who saves. Maybe your spouse has already abandoned you. Maybe your spouse hasn't physically left you, but they've divorced from you emotionally. Maybe your spouse has been unfaithful. Maybe your parents got divorced, and you don't feel like you've ever recovered. I tell you to trust in the God who is always faithful, who will never leave you nor forsake you.
Maybe you have been through a divorce. You must humble yourself before the Lord. Jesus died on the cross even for the sin of divorce. Turn to Him in repentance, and He will forgive you. Desire to walk in the way of Christ—on the path of righteousness and holiness. Never think of the grace of God as permission to get a divorce. Make no mistake: God hates divorce.
Malachi 2:16 says, "'For I hate divorce,' says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'and him who covers his garment with wrong,' says the Lord of hosts. 'So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously'" (NASB).
But here in our passage this morning, in just these two verses, an exception is given for divorce: "Everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality." We'll examine that further as we continue. In our considerations, let us desire first and foremost to uphold the word of God as our utmost authority. We want to know what God has to say, not what we want Him to say.
Now, whenever the subject of divorce comes up, you almost always hear this: Fifty percent of all marriages in America end in divorce. That statistic is not true. According to a 2017 article the New York Post—which happened to be about the split between movie stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner—the peak of the divorce rate occurred with the Baby Boomer splits in the 1980s, and it has been on a steady decline ever since. Still, of the couples who married in the 90s, almost 35 percent of them have ended in divorce. One of the reasons that statistic isn't higher is because more and more Americans don't bother to get married at all.
Divorce is a practice so prevalent in our culture, it has its own cottage industry. The dissolving of marriages and the division of property and earnings is a $50 billion a year industry. Of course, there are divorce lawyers, who make a lucrative living out of divorce litigation. There's even a market for throwing your own divorce party. I did a search for "divorce party" on Amazon, and there are all kinds of divorce party favors with such heartwarming messages like, "Knot untied," "Free at last," and "The end of an error."
You can purchase a banner that says, "Just divorced." Your former groomsmen can wear badges that say, "Divorce Party Support Crew." Your former bridesmaids can order shirts that say, "We never liked him." You can buy divorced hats, divorced mugs, divorced balloons. There's even an "I Hate My Ex-Husband Coloring Book, Sweary Midnight Edition: A Swear Word Adult Coloring Book of 40 Funny, Relatable, Breakup Insults."
This is not merely off in a dark corner of the culture—it's right out in the middle of pop culture. Tabloid newspapers wouldn't exist if not for superstar divorces and who got what. When pop star Robin Thicke divorced his wife in 2014, he threw himself a divorce party. When musician Jack White and his wife Karen Elson got a divorce, they invited friends to a divorce ceremony which took place on what would have been their sixth wedding anniversary. The invitation read, "Please help us celebrate together this anniversary of the making and breaking of the sacred union of marriage with our best friends and animals."
But for all the culture's attempts to dress this up or celebrate it or even make divorce into something fun, no one truly thinks divorce is fun. Does anyone get married thinking, "Meh, I can always get a divorce later"? No, people get married thinking their love is the greatest love that's ever been loved and no one has ever loved anyone the way that I love you. Even our secularist culture understands—marriage is meant to be something permanent and unbroken.
John Mayer has a song called Home Life in which he sings, "I can tell you this much, I will marry just once. And if it doesn't work out, give her half of my stuff. It's fine with me. We said eternity." Now, excusing the nonchalant line, "It's fine with me," I believe Mayer recognizes that marriage is supposed to be a life-long covenant, an oath-bound relationship between a husband and a wife.
That is why marriage ceremonies almost universally include the giving of an oath or the exchange of vows. Those vows traditionally declare, "You and no other, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, 'til death do us part."
That is God's intention for marriage, and dare I say that is bound up in human nature. We should be able to understand through general revelation the life-long commitment that marriage is supposed to be. We were not meant for serial relationships or jumping in and out of one another's beds. That is nothing but selfish. Humanity cannot survive that kind of wanton carelessness. Marriage is the foundation of a solid family, and you know, without me having to tell you, families are families, for better or worse.
Without families, there's no community. Without communities, there's no society. The family is still the basic building block of a civilization—this Wuhan virus pandemic has served to make that all the more apparent. A loving family begins with a loving marriage, a husband and a wife committed to each other for life. We get this. We just don't want to. We should understand how this is supposed to work. We just don't want to make it work.
So then it's through special revelation, examining God's word, that we are cut to the heart when we read about God's intention for marriage. In Genesis 1:27, God created man in His own image, and in Genesis 2:18, "The Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and God took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man, He made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
Because a marriage is a one-flesh union, divorce is the death of that one flesh. If you take one person and cut them in half, what happens to the person? They will die. So it is with a marriage, and it's why the Lord said in Malachi 2 that the one who gets divorced covers his garment with violence.
There are massive ramifications to divorce. It's never merely a disagreement between two people. Children suffer. Families suffer. Communities suffer. The culture suffers. According the website of a Florida law firm, 50% of all children in the United States will witness the end of a parent's marriage. Fifty percent of those children will witness the break-up of a parent's second marriage. Children of divorce are 35% more likely to have a divorce of their own.
Children of divorce are 50% more likely to develop health problems. Teens in single-parent homes are three times more likely to seek psychological help than teens from two-parent homes. Children from broken homes are twice as likely to attempt suicide. Children of multiple divorces get lower grades in school and are twice as likely to drop out of high school. Children from fatherless homes are four times more likely to grow up in poverty and seven times more likely to become pregnant or get someone pregnant as a teenager.
Now, I grew up hearing statistics like this, and perhaps you've heard them as well. But maybe you've noticed that you hear them a lot less often. There's a reason for that. Our culture has come to believe that statistics of this kind are demeaning toward children of single-parent homes. We will think less and come to expect less of children from divorced families. Therefore, let's not mention these statistics at all, lest they become like some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe if we don't say it, then it won't happen.
But that's completely impractical. That's like saying, "Maybe if we stop talking about the Wuhan virus, it will stop spreading." We have to address these things. And I say to you, it would be unloving if we did not. Divorce is a serious wrong. We must know its devastating effects so that we can love those who have been affected by it, and we can strive to prevent this disease from spreading.
Another way these statistics are often brushed off is to say that divorce is nuanced. There are thousands of reasons marriages end in divorce, and sometimes divorce is a good thing. Sometimes people get divorced because they were in an abusive relationship. Sometimes life got too hard and they just couldn't help it. So we shouldn't mention statistics like this because it casts blame on the person when the real reason they got divorced might have been because they were not from a more privileged circumstance.
But if good marriages only happen under the best of circumstances in ideal environments, then we will never have good marriages. Adam and Eve had a marriage in paradise. But they couldn't keep it together. Eve did not submit to her husband, Adam did not lead his wife, and when God asked him, "Did you eat the fruit of the tree that I told you not to eat from?" Adam threw his wife under the proverbial bus: "The woman you put here with me gave me some of the fruit and I ate it."
Our purpose here this morning is not to cast blame—it's to do what is right in the sight of God. We must be aware of sin and its consequences so that we don't do it, so that we will repent and turn to the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved. And by the grace of God, we will walk in His goodness and His righteousness.
This is a labor of love that everyone must do, even if you are not married. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." You as a fellow brother or sister in Christ are obligated to help your other brothers and sisters in Christ be faithful to their marriage vows, that marriage be held in honor among all.
Whenever I have conducted weddings, the bride comes down the aisle, usually arm in arm with her father, she comes to the end of the aisle where the groom is standing, the music stops, and everyone stands still. Before I ask, "Who gives this woman to be wed to this man?" and then tell the audience to be seated, I address the congregation.
I say, "We are gathered here today to witness the joining of this man to this woman in holy matrimony. You are here not as spectators but as participants, witnesses to the exchange of these vows. As friends and family, brothers and sisters in the Lord, it will be your duty to hold this couple accountable to the vows they will make. There is an enemy out there who hates the covenant of marriage, a picture of the way Christ loves His church and the way the church is to submit to Christ. This union will be tested. The storms of life will come. And when that happens, you must come along side this brother or sister, and out of love for them, for their family, and for their marriage, you must remind them, 'I was there when I heard you say, "For better or worse, 'Til death do us part." And I'm here to hold you to that.'"
Mankind is fallen. We are driven by our sin nature. That is why we treat marriage and one another so carelessly—we're sinners. You're a sinner married to a sinner. You need grace and so does she. Marriage is not for your glory. It's for God's glory. But when you think marriage is supposed to make you happy, and suddenly you find yourself unhappy, you start looking for a way out.
Sometimes a man literally walks away from a woman and the vows he made to her. Sometimes a divorce happens in the heart, as if to say, "I'll agree to live with you, but I don't have to love you." If that's you, turn back and repent. Psalm 94:11 says, "The Lord knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath." Jesus said in Revelation 2:23, "I am He who searches mind and heart, and I will give to each of you according to your works."
As we've been going through this study of the Sermon On the Mount, Jesus has been directly confronting matters of the heart. In verse 21, we read, "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire."
In verse 27, we read, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
In the same spirit, we come to verses 31 and 32: "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
We read about the certificate of divorce in Deuteronomy 24:1-4:
"When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance."
This is the only Old Testament law about divorce, and it in no way condones, suggests, or encourages divorce. Romans 3:20 says, "Through the law comes knowledge of sin," and that is the function of this law, getting to the heart of the matter. It is so the people will know that God considers divorce an abomination. It is a sin that begets more sin.
Verse one begins, "When a man takes a wife and marries her." So far so good. "If then she finds no favor in his eyes." Okay, why? "Because he has found some indecency in her." Or he has found uncleanness in her. Now what does this mean? It does not mean adultery, because otherwise the wife would be stoned to death. It doesn't mean suspicion of adultery, for Numbers 5:11-31 details the process or a test that a woman is to undergo if her husband suspects her of adultery. There are many different suspicions about this "indecency" or this "uncleanness," but I tell you that scrutinizing over it misses the point of the text. By the sequence of events we know that the divorce was illegitimate. The husband did not have a just reason to divorce his wife.
Notice again in verse 1, "He writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs his house." This was meant to prevent a divorce from becoming a rash decision. The signing of official documents had to be witnessed, and often there was an exchange of money. By making this a legal process, it forced the man to consider why he was doing this.
Verses 2 through 3 say, "And if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife." So the woman becomes unmarried again for any reason—either she was unjustly divorced again, or her husband dies and she has become a widow.
Verse 4: "Then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord." Why? Because he did not have just reason to divorce her in the first place. He made an adulteress out of her by divorcing her for no good reason, and she went and married another man and slept with him, when in the eyes of God she was still married to the first man.
Is that not exactly what Jesus is saying here in Matthew 5:31-32? Look at it again: "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
Jesus was explaining Deuteronomy 24:1-4, which the Jews were using as an excuse to divorce for any reason as long as they gave a certificate of divorce. Jesus said, "No! You have missed the point of the Law! Divorce is unloving, it is destructive, and it makes adulterers out of one another. You have caused your wife to commit adultery, and you have caused the man she married to commit adultery, just as the law said. You have brought sin upon the land God gave you as an inheritance!"
It is exactly this law that the pharisees brought up again in Matthew 19. (Turn to Matthew 19.) I'll begin in verse 3: "And the Pharisees came up to Him and tested Him by asking, 'Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?'"
Notice the way they asked that question. That's how they interpreted and taught the law given in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. They thought anything could qualify as "indecency" or "uncleanness" as justification for divorcing a wife a man no longer wanted.
Jesus answered them not by explaining the law, for he already did that in the Sermon on the Mount. His teaching on this was already widely known, which was likely why the pharisees were challenging Him on his again. They tried to do what the devil tried to do in the wilderness—use the Scriptures against Him. It's as if they were saying, "Hey, chapter and verse. We've got it right here. 'He has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce.' So is it not lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?"
Rather than explaining the context of the law again, Jesus took them back to the very beginning of the law—the book of Genesis. In verse 4, He answered, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." In other words, no, it is not lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause. Divorce is contrary to God's order, not in keeping with God's order.
In verse 7, the pharisees responded by asking, "Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?" Again, they're attempting to point to the Scriptures and say, "Hey, it's right here in the Law!" The problem of course is not with the Scripture—it's with their twisting of the Scripture to suit themselves, not honor God.
In verse 8, Jesus replied, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." In other words, Jesus was saying divorce is not anywhere commanded. That's the word the pharisees used, but that's not a right understanding of the Law. Divorce was not lawful. It was allowed because people's hearts were wicked. But it is not commanded.
Jesus goes on in verse 9, "I say to you," and keep in mind, this is God speaking. Though the pharisees didn't understand this, when Jesus said, "I say to you," He was saying, "Thus saith the Lord. I gave this Law and I'm telling you what it says." Then He proceeds to tell them what He already said in the Sermon On the Mount, what He already said on Mount Sinai. Verse 9 again: "I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
This is exactly what we've just read in Matthew 5:31-32. So let's come back to this again, (turn back to Matthew chapter 5), and let's understand the exception that Jesus provides. He says in verse 32, "But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality." So this is the only provision that is given for a just divorce. A man has just cause to divorce his wife, or a wife has just cause to divorce her husband, if the spouse is found to have been sexually unfaithful.
We must be very careful here, lest we commit the same error that the pharisees made. You might be tempted to throw anything under that label of "sexual immorality," and justify divorce for any reason. For example, you could say something as foolish as, "Well because a husband and a wife are sexual partners, then any kind of sin he commits against her would be sexual immorality, and she is justified in divorcing him."
Sexual immorality is adultery. If a man has had sex with another woman outside of marriage, he has committed adultery. She is justified in divorcing him. Or if the shoe is on the other foot, he is justified in divorcing her if she has committed adultery. There is no wrongdoing on the part of the person who did not commit this sin. Remember that marriage is a covenant between two people. The adulterer has broken the covenant, and this sin is so great, it is as if the adulterer has died. The offended spouse is not to be punished and is no longer obligated to the marriage vows.
Consider these words from the Westminster Confession of Faith, Chapter 24, of Marriage and Divorce, paragraph five: "Adultery or fornication committed after a contract, being detected before marriage," in other words, during an engagement, "giveth just occasion to the innocent party to dissolve that contract. In the cause of adultery after marriage, it is lawful for the innocent party to sue out a divorce, and, after the divorce, to marry another, as if the offending party were dead."
Before I met Beki, I had been engaged to another woman, and that woman was unfaithful to me. Adultery was committed after a contract, being detected before marriage, and the engagement was dissolved. Before Beki met me, she was married to another man, and he committed adultery after marriage. Beki sued out a divorce, and after the divorce, she was free to marry another, as if the offending party were dead.
Beki and I investigated this thoroughly before we got married. We went through marriage counseling, and we received council from four different pastors from two different denominations. All four pastors were in unwavering agreement: we had just reasons for our separations, and our marriage was pleasing in the sight of God. Our efforts were not an attempt to find someone who would tell us what we wanted to hear. We wanted to do what honored one another, and what honored God.
But there were many who did not agree with our wedding. My side of the family consisted of a few independent Baptist fundamentalists who frowned upon our getting married. An ex-girlfriend even contacted me and told me I was committing adultery by marrying a divorced woman. The passage she threw at me was Romans 7:2-3, "For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage. Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives with another man while her husband is alive. But if her husband dies, she is free from that law, and if she marries another man she is not an adulteress."
After all, doesn't Jesus say the same thing here in Matthew 5:32, "Whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery"? Once again, this statement was given in the context of explaining Deuteronomy 24:1-4. It is not an isolated statement that applies to all divorced women, or else it would contradict the exception clause that Jesus had just given: "Everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Again, understand the context: whoever marries a divorced person who was divorced for a reason other than sexual immorality commits adultery. If a man cheats on his wife, she can divorce him justly bringing no blame upon herself, even if she gets remarried.
As a pastor, I have said to someone, "You have biblical grounds for divorce." And I have supported a person who had biblical grounds for divorce. But not before I have said to them, "If at all possible, be reconciled to your spouse." What would be more honoring to the Lord—getting a divorce, or reconciling with the person who wronged you? See, we have all been unfaithful, and yet our God is faithful and merciful. What you have done in rebellion against God is far, far worse than what anyone will have ever done to you.
Just as God has raised you from the dead, He can bring a broken marriage back together as well. I rejoice to have witnessed marriages be healed and restored, and you've probably seen that, too. But too many times, I've watched marriages fall apart, as you surely have. When grace is gone from a marriage, there's no way it can survive. The husband says, "She owes me this," and the wife says, "He owes me that," and both are making demands and neither one's are met—that is a marriage from the pit of hell.
Would we treat God this way? Would we point the finger at God and say, "You owe me"? Or would we say to God that this relationship just isn't satisfying enough? You gave your Son to die for my sins, but that just doesn't do it for me? I'm feeling a little smothered? I need to be free to see other people and I need you to be okay with it? Open marriage is not a marriage, folks. There's another word for an open marriage—it's adultery.
James 4:4-7 says, "You adulterous people. Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, 'He yearns jealously over the Spirit that He has made to dwell in us'? But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves therefore to God."
We often forget—God has been through a divorce. In Jeremiah 3:6-10, we read, "The Lord said to me in the days of King Josiah: 'Have you seen what she did, that faithless one, Israel, how she went up on every high hill and under every green tree, and there played the whore? And I thought, "After she has done all this, she will return to me," but she did not return, and her treacherous sister Judah saw it. She saw that for all the adulteries of that faithless one, Israel, I had sent her away with a decree of divorce. Yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear, but she too went and played the whore. Because she took her whoredom lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree. Yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah did not return to me with her whole heart, but in pretense, declares the Lord."
But what does the Lord say to those who repent and turn back to Him? In Isaiah 44:22, He says, "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you." Jesus Christ gave His life for us, His bride. He sanctifies us by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that we might be holy and without blemish. God gave us marriage to be a picture of the way Christ loves His bride, the church.
I said that I would conclude with some practical applications. I should think that the practical applications of this are easy to understand. God is faithful to you, God is faithful to your spouse, so be faithful to God and be faithful to your spouse.
31 "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
When I was preparing for this series in the book of Matthew, I can't remember where I was reading when I realized that I was going to be preaching on some of the hardest-hitting topics I've ever had to address as a pastor. If there's one thing Jesus was not in His earthly ministry, it's a soft preacher.
We have examined the subject of divorce before, but no where as directly as we find it here in the book of Matthew. There are two prominent passages where Jesus addressed this subject: here in Mathew 5 is the first, and later on in chapter 19. We will look at both sections today, and God-willing, we will come back to this subject again when we get to Matthew 19. I want to begin by understanding both a cultural and a biblical definition of divorce, then we'll make a closer examination of our text, and finally we'll draw out some practical applications.
But first, let's get really basic: What is divorce? In the simplest of terms, divorce is the end of a marriage. The dictionary defines divorce as, "a judicial declaration dissolving a marriage in whole or in part, especially one that releases the marriage partners from all matrimonial obligations."
We as Christians hold to a biblical definition of marriage, also the true definition of marriage, as God has created it. A marriage is the covenant union of one man and one woman for life. Therefore, we must have a biblical definition of divorce, which is to break that covenant between the husband and wife. There are some thirty passages in the Bible addressing the subject of divorce, and none of them speak of divorce as a good thing. It is regarded as grievous as death, for that's what divorce is—a divorce is the death of a marriage.
But we believe in a God who raises the dead, and God can also revive a marriage that seems doomed. If you live in a bad marriage, trust in the God who saves. Maybe your spouse has already abandoned you. Maybe your spouse hasn't physically left you, but they've divorced from you emotionally. Maybe your spouse has been unfaithful. Maybe your parents got divorced, and you don't feel like you've ever recovered. I tell you to trust in the God who is always faithful, who will never leave you nor forsake you.
Maybe you have been through a divorce. You must humble yourself before the Lord. Jesus died on the cross even for the sin of divorce. Turn to Him in repentance, and He will forgive you. Desire to walk in the way of Christ—on the path of righteousness and holiness. Never think of the grace of God as permission to get a divorce. Make no mistake: God hates divorce.
Malachi 2:16 says, "'For I hate divorce,' says the Lord, the God of Israel, 'and him who covers his garment with wrong,' says the Lord of hosts. 'So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously'" (NASB).
But here in our passage this morning, in just these two verses, an exception is given for divorce: "Everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality." We'll examine that further as we continue. In our considerations, let us desire first and foremost to uphold the word of God as our utmost authority. We want to know what God has to say, not what we want Him to say.
Now, whenever the subject of divorce comes up, you almost always hear this: Fifty percent of all marriages in America end in divorce. That statistic is not true. According to a 2017 article the New York Post—which happened to be about the split between movie stars Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner—the peak of the divorce rate occurred with the Baby Boomer splits in the 1980s, and it has been on a steady decline ever since. Still, of the couples who married in the 90s, almost 35 percent of them have ended in divorce. One of the reasons that statistic isn't higher is because more and more Americans don't bother to get married at all.
Divorce is a practice so prevalent in our culture, it has its own cottage industry. The dissolving of marriages and the division of property and earnings is a $50 billion a year industry. Of course, there are divorce lawyers, who make a lucrative living out of divorce litigation. There's even a market for throwing your own divorce party. I did a search for "divorce party" on Amazon, and there are all kinds of divorce party favors with such heartwarming messages like, "Knot untied," "Free at last," and "The end of an error."
You can purchase a banner that says, "Just divorced." Your former groomsmen can wear badges that say, "Divorce Party Support Crew." Your former bridesmaids can order shirts that say, "We never liked him." You can buy divorced hats, divorced mugs, divorced balloons. There's even an "I Hate My Ex-Husband Coloring Book, Sweary Midnight Edition: A Swear Word Adult Coloring Book of 40 Funny, Relatable, Breakup Insults."
This is not merely off in a dark corner of the culture—it's right out in the middle of pop culture. Tabloid newspapers wouldn't exist if not for superstar divorces and who got what. When pop star Robin Thicke divorced his wife in 2014, he threw himself a divorce party. When musician Jack White and his wife Karen Elson got a divorce, they invited friends to a divorce ceremony which took place on what would have been their sixth wedding anniversary. The invitation read, "Please help us celebrate together this anniversary of the making and breaking of the sacred union of marriage with our best friends and animals."
But for all the culture's attempts to dress this up or celebrate it or even make divorce into something fun, no one truly thinks divorce is fun. Does anyone get married thinking, "Meh, I can always get a divorce later"? No, people get married thinking their love is the greatest love that's ever been loved and no one has ever loved anyone the way that I love you. Even our secularist culture understands—marriage is meant to be something permanent and unbroken.
John Mayer has a song called Home Life in which he sings, "I can tell you this much, I will marry just once. And if it doesn't work out, give her half of my stuff. It's fine with me. We said eternity." Now, excusing the nonchalant line, "It's fine with me," I believe Mayer recognizes that marriage is supposed to be a life-long covenant, an oath-bound relationship between a husband and a wife.
That is why marriage ceremonies almost universally include the giving of an oath or the exchange of vows. Those vows traditionally declare, "You and no other, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, to love and to cherish, 'til death do us part."
That is God's intention for marriage, and dare I say that is bound up in human nature. We should be able to understand through general revelation the life-long commitment that marriage is supposed to be. We were not meant for serial relationships or jumping in and out of one another's beds. That is nothing but selfish. Humanity cannot survive that kind of wanton carelessness. Marriage is the foundation of a solid family, and you know, without me having to tell you, families are families, for better or worse.
Without families, there's no community. Without communities, there's no society. The family is still the basic building block of a civilization—this Wuhan virus pandemic has served to make that all the more apparent. A loving family begins with a loving marriage, a husband and a wife committed to each other for life. We get this. We just don't want to. We should understand how this is supposed to work. We just don't want to make it work.
So then it's through special revelation, examining God's word, that we are cut to the heart when we read about God's intention for marriage. In Genesis 1:27, God created man in His own image, and in Genesis 2:18, "The Lord God said, 'It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.'" So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and God took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man, He made into a woman and brought her to the man.
Then the man said, "This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man." Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."
Because a marriage is a one-flesh union, divorce is the death of that one flesh. If you take one person and cut them in half, what happens to the person? They will die. So it is with a marriage, and it's why the Lord said in Malachi 2 that the one who gets divorced covers his garment with violence.
There are massive ramifications to divorce. It's never merely a disagreement between two people. Children suffer. Families suffer. Communities suffer. The culture suffers. According the website of a Florida law firm, 50% of all children in the United States will witness the end of a parent's marriage. Fifty percent of those children will witness the break-up of a parent's second marriage. Children of divorce are 35% more likely to have a divorce of their own.
Children of divorce are 50% more likely to develop health problems. Teens in single-parent homes are three times more likely to seek psychological help than teens from two-parent homes. Children from broken homes are twice as likely to attempt suicide. Children of multiple divorces get lower grades in school and are twice as likely to drop out of high school. Children from fatherless homes are four times more likely to grow up in poverty and seven times more likely to become pregnant or get someone pregnant as a teenager.
Now, I grew up hearing statistics like this, and perhaps you've heard them as well. But maybe you've noticed that you hear them a lot less often. There's a reason for that. Our culture has come to believe that statistics of this kind are demeaning toward children of single-parent homes. We will think less and come to expect less of children from divorced families. Therefore, let's not mention these statistics at all, lest they become like some kind of self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe if we don't say it, then it won't happen.
But that's completely impractical. That's like saying, "Maybe if we stop talking about the Wuhan virus, it will stop spreading." We have to address these things. And I say to you, it would be unloving if we did not. Divorce is a serious wrong. We must know its devastating effects so that we can love those who have been affected by it, and we can strive to prevent this disease from spreading.
Another way these statistics are often brushed off is to say that divorce is nuanced. There are thousands of reasons marriages end in divorce, and sometimes divorce is a good thing. Sometimes people get divorced because they were in an abusive relationship. Sometimes life got too hard and they just couldn't help it. So we shouldn't mention statistics like this because it casts blame on the person when the real reason they got divorced might have been because they were not from a more privileged circumstance.
But if good marriages only happen under the best of circumstances in ideal environments, then we will never have good marriages. Adam and Eve had a marriage in paradise. But they couldn't keep it together. Eve did not submit to her husband, Adam did not lead his wife, and when God asked him, "Did you eat the fruit of the tree that I told you not to eat from?" Adam threw his wife under the proverbial bus: "The woman you put here with me gave me some of the fruit and I ate it."
Our purpose here this morning is not to cast blame—it's to do what is right in the sight of God. We must be aware of sin and its consequences so that we don't do it, so that we will repent and turn to the Lord Jesus Christ and be saved. And by the grace of God, we will walk in His goodness and His righteousness.
This is a labor of love that everyone must do, even if you are not married. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous." You as a fellow brother or sister in Christ are obligated to help your other brothers and sisters in Christ be faithful to their marriage vows, that marriage be held in honor among all.
Whenever I have conducted weddings, the bride comes down the aisle, usually arm in arm with her father, she comes to the end of the aisle where the groom is standing, the music stops, and everyone stands still. Before I ask, "Who gives this woman to be wed to this man?" and then tell the audience to be seated, I address the congregation.
I say, "We are gathered here today to witness the joining of this man to this woman in holy matrimony. You are here not as spectators but as participants, witnesses to the exchange of these vows. As friends and family, brothers and sisters in the Lord, it will be your duty to hold this couple accountable to the vows they will make. There is an enemy out there who hates the covenant of marriage, a picture of the way Christ loves His church and the way the church is to submit to Christ. This union will be tested. The storms of life will come. And when that happens, you must come along side this brother or sister, and out of love for them, for their family, and for their marriage, you must remind them, 'I was there when I heard you say, "For better or worse, 'Til death do us part." And I'm here to hold you to that.'"
Mankind is fallen. We are driven by our sin nature. That is why we treat marriage and one another so carelessly—we're sinners. You're a sinner married to a sinner. You need grace and so does she. Marriage is not for your glory. It's for God's glory. But when you think marriage is supposed to make you happy, and suddenly you find yourself unhappy, you start looking for a way out.
Sometimes a man literally walks away from a woman and the vows he made to her. Sometimes a divorce happens in the heart, as if to say, "I'll agree to live with you, but I don't have to love you." If that's you, turn back and repent. Psalm 94:11 says, "The Lord knows the thoughts of man, that they are but a breath." Jesus said in Revelation 2:23, "I am He who searches mind and heart, and I will give to each of you according to your works."
As we've been going through this study of the Sermon On the Mount, Jesus has been directly confronting matters of the heart. In verse 21, we read, "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.' But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, 'You fool!' will be liable to the hell of fire."
In verse 27, we read, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
In the same spirit, we come to verses 31 and 32: "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the grounds of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
We read about the certificate of divorce in Deuteronomy 24:1-4:
"When a man takes a wife and marries her, if then she finds no favor in his eyes because he has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs out of his house, and if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife, then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord. And you shall not bring sin upon the land that the Lord your God is giving you for an inheritance."
This is the only Old Testament law about divorce, and it in no way condones, suggests, or encourages divorce. Romans 3:20 says, "Through the law comes knowledge of sin," and that is the function of this law, getting to the heart of the matter. It is so the people will know that God considers divorce an abomination. It is a sin that begets more sin.
Verse one begins, "When a man takes a wife and marries her." So far so good. "If then she finds no favor in his eyes." Okay, why? "Because he has found some indecency in her." Or he has found uncleanness in her. Now what does this mean? It does not mean adultery, because otherwise the wife would be stoned to death. It doesn't mean suspicion of adultery, for Numbers 5:11-31 details the process or a test that a woman is to undergo if her husband suspects her of adultery. There are many different suspicions about this "indecency" or this "uncleanness," but I tell you that scrutinizing over it misses the point of the text. By the sequence of events we know that the divorce was illegitimate. The husband did not have a just reason to divorce his wife.
Notice again in verse 1, "He writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, and she departs his house." This was meant to prevent a divorce from becoming a rash decision. The signing of official documents had to be witnessed, and often there was an exchange of money. By making this a legal process, it forced the man to consider why he was doing this.
Verses 2 through 3 say, "And if she goes and becomes another man's wife, and the latter man hates her and writes her a certificate of divorce and puts it in her hand and sends her out of his house, or if the latter man dies, who took her to be his wife." So the woman becomes unmarried again for any reason—either she was unjustly divorced again, or her husband dies and she has become a widow.
Verse 4: "Then her former husband, who sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after she has been defiled, for that is an abomination before the Lord." Why? Because he did not have just reason to divorce her in the first place. He made an adulteress out of her by divorcing her for no good reason, and she went and married another man and slept with him, when in the eyes of God she was still married to the first man.
Is that not exactly what Jesus is saying here in Matthew 5:31-32? Look at it again: "It was also said, 'Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.' But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."
Jesus was explaining Deuteronomy 24:1-4, which the Jews were using as an excuse to divorce for any reason as long as they gave a certificate of divorce. Jesus said, "No! You have missed the point of the Law! Divorce is unloving, it is destructive, and it makes adulterers out of one another. You have caused your wife to commit adultery, and you have caused the man she married to commit adultery, just as the law said. You have brought sin upon the land God gave you as an inheritance!"
It is exactly this law that the pharisees brought up again in Matthew 19. (Turn to Matthew 19.) I'll begin in verse 3: "And the Pharisees came up to Him and tested Him by asking, 'Is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?'"
Notice the way they asked that question. That's how they interpreted and taught the law given in Deuteronomy 24:1-4. They thought anything could qualify as "indecency" or "uncleanness" as justification for divorcing a wife a man no longer wanted.
Jesus answered them not by explaining the law, for he already did that in the Sermon on the Mount. His teaching on this was already widely known, which was likely why the pharisees were challenging Him on his again. They tried to do what the devil tried to do in the wilderness—use the Scriptures against Him. It's as if they were saying, "Hey, chapter and verse. We've got it right here. 'He has found some indecency in her, and he writes her a certificate of divorce.' So is it not lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause?"
Rather than explaining the context of the law again, Jesus took them back to the very beginning of the law—the book of Genesis. In verse 4, He answered, "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate." In other words, no, it is not lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause. Divorce is contrary to God's order, not in keeping with God's order.
In verse 7, the pharisees responded by asking, "Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce and to send her away?" Again, they're attempting to point to the Scriptures and say, "Hey, it's right here in the Law!" The problem of course is not with the Scripture—it's with their twisting of the Scripture to suit themselves, not honor God.
In verse 8, Jesus replied, "Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." In other words, Jesus was saying divorce is not anywhere commanded. That's the word the pharisees used, but that's not a right understanding of the Law. Divorce was not lawful. It was allowed because people's hearts were wicked. But it is not commanded.
Jesus goes on in verse 9, "I say to you," and keep in mind, this is God speaking. Though the pharisees didn't understand this, when Jesus said, "I say to you," He was saying, "Thus saith the Lord. I gave this Law and I'm telling you what it says." Then He proceeds to tell them what He already said in the Sermon On the Mount, what He already said on Mount Sinai. Verse 9 again: "I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery."
This is exactly what we've just read in Matthew 5:31-32. So let's come back to this again, (turn back to Matthew chapter 5), and let's understand the exception that Jesus provides. He says in verse 32, "But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality." So this is the only provision that is given for a just divorce. A man has just cause to divorce his wife, or a wife has just cause to divorce her husband, if the spouse is found to have been sexually unfaithful.
We must be very careful here, lest we commit the same error that the pharisees made. You might be tempted to throw anything under that label of "sexual immorality," and justify divorce for any reason. For example, you could say something as foolish as, "Well because a husband and a wife are sexual partners, then any kind of sin he commits against her would be sexual immorality, and she is justified in divorcing him."
Sexual immorality is adultery. If a man has had sex with another woman outside of marriage, he has committed adultery. She is justified in divorcing him. Or if the shoe is on the other foot, he is justified in divorcing her if she has committed adultery. There is no wrongdoing on the part of the person who did not commit this sin. Remember that marriage is a covenant between two people. The adulterer has broken the covenant, and this sin is so great, it is as if the adulterer has died. The offended spouse is not to be punished and is no longer obligated to the marriage vows.
Consider these words from the Westminster Confession of Faith, Chapter 24, of Marriage and Divorce, paragraph five: "Adultery or fornication committed after a contract, being detected before marriage," in other words, during an engagement, "giveth just occasion to the innocent party to dissolve that contract. In the cause of adultery after marriage, it is lawful for the innocent party to sue out a divorce, and, after the divorce, to marry another, as if the offending party were dead."
Before I met Beki, I had been engaged to another woman, and that woman was unfaithful to me. Adultery was committed after a contract, being detected before marriage, and the engagement was dissolved. Before Beki met me, she was married to another man, and he committed adultery after marriage. Beki sued out a divorce, and after the divorce, she was free to marry another, as if the offending party were dead.
Beki and I investigated this thoroughly before we got married. We went through marriage counseling, and we received council from four different pastors from two different denominations. All four pastors were in unwavering agreement: we had just reasons for our separations, and our marriage was pleasing in the sight of God. Our efforts were not an attempt to find someone who would tell us what we wanted to hear. We wanted to do what honored one another, and what honored God.
But there were many who did not agree with our wedding. My side of the family consisted of a few independent Baptist fundamentalists who frowned upon our getting married. An ex-girlfriend even contacted me and told me I was committing adultery by marrying a divorced woman. The passage she threw at me was Romans 7:2-3, "For a married woman is bound by law to her husband while he lives, but if her husband dies she is released from the law of marriage. Accordingly, she will be called an adulteress if she lives with another man while her husband is alive. But if her husband dies, she is free from that law, and if she marries another man she is not an adulteress."
After all, doesn't Jesus say the same thing here in Matthew 5:32, "Whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery"? Once again, this statement was given in the context of explaining Deuteronomy 24:1-4. It is not an isolated statement that applies to all divorced women, or else it would contradict the exception clause that Jesus had just given: "Everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery." Again, understand the context: whoever marries a divorced person who was divorced for a reason other than sexual immorality commits adultery. If a man cheats on his wife, she can divorce him justly bringing no blame upon herself, even if she gets remarried.
As a pastor, I have said to someone, "You have biblical grounds for divorce." And I have supported a person who had biblical grounds for divorce. But not before I have said to them, "If at all possible, be reconciled to your spouse." What would be more honoring to the Lord—getting a divorce, or reconciling with the person who wronged you? See, we have all been unfaithful, and yet our God is faithful and merciful. What you have done in rebellion against God is far, far worse than what anyone will have ever done to you.
Just as God has raised you from the dead, He can bring a broken marriage back together as well. I rejoice to have witnessed marriages be healed and restored, and you've probably seen that, too. But too many times, I've watched marriages fall apart, as you surely have. When grace is gone from a marriage, there's no way it can survive. The husband says, "She owes me this," and the wife says, "He owes me that," and both are making demands and neither one's are met—that is a marriage from the pit of hell.
Would we treat God this way? Would we point the finger at God and say, "You owe me"? Or would we say to God that this relationship just isn't satisfying enough? You gave your Son to die for my sins, but that just doesn't do it for me? I'm feeling a little smothered? I need to be free to see other people and I need you to be okay with it? Open marriage is not a marriage, folks. There's another word for an open marriage—it's adultery.
James 4:4-7 says, "You adulterous people. Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you suppose it is to no purpose that the Scripture says, 'He yearns jealously over the Spirit that He has made to dwell in us'? But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' Submit yourselves therefore to God."
We often forget—God has been through a divorce. In Jeremiah 3:6-10, we read, "The Lord said to me in the days of King Josiah: 'Have you seen what she did, that faithless one, Israel, how she went up on every high hill and under every green tree, and there played the whore? And I thought, "After she has done all this, she will return to me," but she did not return, and her treacherous sister Judah saw it. She saw that for all the adulteries of that faithless one, Israel, I had sent her away with a decree of divorce. Yet her treacherous sister Judah did not fear, but she too went and played the whore. Because she took her whoredom lightly, she polluted the land, committing adultery with stone and tree. Yet for all this her treacherous sister Judah did not return to me with her whole heart, but in pretense, declares the Lord."
But what does the Lord say to those who repent and turn back to Him? In Isaiah 44:22, He says, "I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you." Jesus Christ gave His life for us, His bride. He sanctifies us by the washing of water with the word, so that He might present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that we might be holy and without blemish. God gave us marriage to be a picture of the way Christ loves His bride, the church.
I said that I would conclude with some practical applications. I should think that the practical applications of this are easy to understand. God is faithful to you, God is faithful to your spouse, so be faithful to God and be faithful to your spouse.
