10 Signs You May Soon Be Leaving Your Church
Hebrews 10:24-25 says, "Let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."
I have been privileged to be a part of a wonderful and loving church where I have pastored for the last ten years. I have spoken often about how this congregation has taken care of me and my family. I'm able to do things like WWUTT (When We Understand the Text) and keep it free because of how the Lord has provided everything we need through our church. There are steadfast, dedicated people here, demonstrating the truth and love of Christ.
But as with any church, there have also been those who were not so loving or committed. Some have walked away over silly things, and some revealed themselves to be false converts. I tell this body often to learn from these situations lest they also turn on those whom they call their brothers and sisters in the Lord. No one aspires to be a betrayer. It can happen to the best of us if we're not careful. "The spirit is indeed willing, but the flesh is weak" (Matthew 26:41).
The following are ten signs that you might soon be leaving your church. There can be good reasons to leave a church, but that's not this blog. This is for you to examine your heart before the Lord and how you love the people of God. This was a labor of love to write it, so it will be a labor of love to read it. How close might you be to walking away from Christ's bride, His church?
1) Your attendance becomes spotty.
If your attendance is spotty, or you're more like an occasional visitor than a regular member, that is a good sign church is not a priority for you. Perhaps you will gradually pull away and leave quietly, even if you didn't intend to do so. You didn't mean to leave your church—it just sort of happened. But there's a strong possibility that when you cut ties, you will depart out of anger or bitterness.
When your attendance diminishes, so will your affection for the people you attend church with. You will have less charity toward your brothers and sisters in Christ, with whom you should be growing in sanctification. One of the signs of a believer is that you're growing in love with other believers. But if you're not attending church with them, you're not growing in your love for them. If you're not growing in love for them, you will take offense at them.
Maybe it will be something the pastor says—even though he's still preaching the same thing he always has. Maybe it will be the fact that so-and-so hasn't called you—when you are just as capable of picking up your phone and calling them. Maybe it will be over something as petty as the church changing the color of the paint in the foyer without your input.
Now, there are legitimate reasons for missing church. But even when that's the case, you must still be careful. Spotty attendance will affect your affections for the church. Beware that you don't cease in your attendance altogether, lest you cut yourself off from the body of Christ and turn yourself over to Satan (1 Corinthians 5:5).
2) You think no one cares.
Tell me if you've heard this one before: "I stopped coming to church, and no one called me, so I just figured no one cares." That's an absurd excuse for not attending church. You stopped going, and no one called you, so it's their fault you stopped going?
I have not encountered a scenario where a person stopped coming to church and literally no one reached out to them. I'm sure it happens, but I haven't seen it. Instead, the matter usually goes like this—A man leaves the church and three people reach out to him: one tries to call and doesn't get an answer; one sends an e-mail or a text and gets no response; one encounters him out in public and says, "Hey, we miss you at church!" But because only three people reach out and not thirty, and only one of the three actually made a connection, therefore he claims, "No one cares."
Of course the church must look out for one another. If you notice that someone hasn't been in church in a while, say something. But your church attendance and involvement is your responsibility. If you stop going, it's not because no one cares. It's because you don't care.
3) The husband is not the spiritual leader of the household.
In a vast majority of cases when a disgruntled family has left our church, the husband has not been leading his wife and his children in the spiritual disciplines of his household. There may be other factors involved. There may be other items on this list that apply. But overall, strong men are lacking (and derided!) in a lot of our culture today.
It's astonishing how often I've witnessed a woman's sensitivities lead the spiritual direction of a family. I once had a husband say to me, "I would like to stay, but my wife doesn't want to." I replied, "Who's leading in your home—you or her?" At that point, he became quite irritated with me, and he didn't want to stay anymore either. My question was answered.
Sometimes the children lead a home. There's a recipe for disaster, when a family is lead by the preferences of the children. If that's your family, you may start skipping church for extra-curricular activities like sports or dance. Maybe you don't attend because there's no child care during church and you just don't want to wrangle with the kids. Maybe programs for kids or youth determine your attendance. Maybe your teenager thinks church is boring, so you don't make them go.
The Bible says, "Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord" (Colossians 3:18-20). A husband is told to love his wife as Christ loves the church, and to raise his children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 5:25, 6:4). Husband, father, lead your home to church. Wives and children, follow him.
4) You're ungrateful and your thoughts are mostly ungracious.
Colossians 3:12-14 says, "Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you must also forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful."
If you become ungrateful for your church, you will become uncharitable toward your church. You will consider your wants before the needs of others. You will get touchy and critical, even over things that are none of your business, or situations where you don't have the whole story. You will begin to resent the leadership because you are not thankful to God for those who have been appointed to shepherd your soul (Hebrews 13:17).
Once you lose charity for someone, it's nearly impossible to get it back. It takes a move of God, through prayer and the hearing of His word, to convict the heart and make a person realize what a miserable wretch they've become toward others. If you know you've been saved by the grace of God, it is imperative that you show the grace of God. The church is the bride of Christ for whom Jesus bled and died. Treat her tender and loving, with sacrificial care.
5) You're hiding sin.
Do you feel guilty? Is there sin you're afraid of being found out and you're going to be exposed? Then you're probably not going to be at your church much longer. We read in 1 John 4:18, "Fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love."
What should you do about this unrepentant sin you're hiding? You should tell someone. James 5:16 and 19-20 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. My brothers, if anyone among you wanders from the truth and someone brings him back, let him know that whoever brings back a sinner from his wandering will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins."
If you go on trying to hide your sin, putting on this facade to make everything appear normal, you're lying. You lie to everyone around you every time you go to church. Do not lie to one another (Colossians 3:9). The wise love discipline, but the foolish hate reproof (Proverbs 12:1). If the grief in your heart is not a godly grief that leads to repentance, it's a worldly grief that leads to death (2 Corinthians 7:10). Leaving church is a spiritual death you cannot afford.
6) You would rather be somewhere else.
When you're at church, where are you? Are you going to Bible study? Are you attending worship? Or are you somewhere else in the building? Are you drinking coffee and chatting with others instead of hearing the Scriptures taught? Maybe you're sitting in the service, but you're playing on your phone instead of listening. You might say you went to church on Sunday. But did you really?
A few times I've had to confront someone who developed a pattern of not going to class or worship. They were coming to church, but they weren't really in church. They'd even pull someone else out of study to join them. Now, these confrontations are always complicated because they will have what they believe to be a reasonable explanation: "I had this problem, and I really needed to talk to someone about it." The time to talk is before church or after church—not during church.
I know of a woman who worked in the nursery every Sunday. She did a great job caring for the babies, but she was never in church. This had been going on for years until the children's ministry director was encouraged to put the woman on a schedule—she could work in the nursery the third Sunday of every month. As soon as the woman was notified of the change, she resigned and never came back. She may have loved babies, but she hated Christ's bride.
If you do not desire to be with the people of God singing the praises of God and hearing the word of God, your heart does not desire God. This is a sure sign you won't be with your church much longer—you're in the building, but you're not in church.
7) You are thinking about other churches you'd rather attend.
Boy, that church down the street just looks a whole lot better than the one you're going to now, doesn't it? You even know a few of the people who attend there, and you like them better than the people at the church you're currently attending. They have nicer facilities, better music, more stuff for kids, and more opportunities for you. And! They don't have all the problems that are going on in your church right now—or so you think.
It's easy to think the grass is always greener on the other side. But pride can still be a big issue here. You can fall into thinking you're better than the people at your church and you would be making better decisions than the leadership. They'd benefit from listening to someone like you. But because they won't, you may as well take your treasures and bless some other church. You believe your church needs you, but you don't need them.
8) You prefer the Digirev or Frankenpastor of Imagichurch.
My son likes Pokemon. The name is an amalgamation of the words "pocket" and "monster." They're imaginary monsters that fit in your pocket. Well, the word Digirev is made up of the words "digital" and "reverend." Frankenpastor is a play off of Frankenstein's monster. Imagichurch is an imaginary church. Perhaps you can see where I'm going with this.
A Digirev is a pastor you listen to through some digital device—maybe on a podcast, watching YouTube videos, or viewing the live-stream of a Sunday morning service. You don't really know this pastor, and he doesn't know you. No elder at this church has any way of shepherding you. But you like him much more than the pastor at the church you've been attending.
The Frankenpastor is a mix of all kinds of theologious ingredients—this John Piper sermon (but not that one), the Beth Moore Bible study you liked, Matt Chandler sermon jams on YouTube, some memes you saw on Pinterest, the memory of that Sunday school teacher you had when you were a kid. Boom! Like Frankenstein's monster, you have created Frankenpastor! Hey, he looks just like you!
Together, your Digirevs and Frankenpastors are the elders of Imagichurch, a place you can attend right from the comfort of your own home. You don't have to heed anyone's instruction, no one will confront you about anything, you don't have to listen to anyone else's problems, and thank heavens no one is prodding you about yours. Imagichurch is so much better than your real church.
If this is you, your love for Christ and His church are as fake as the simulation church you've built in your imagination. "For he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love God whom he has not seen" (1 John 4:20). Repent, and go back to church.
9) You are priority number one.
How much of the pastor's time are you taking up? If he doesn't meet certain requirements of yours, do you think he has somehow unqualified himself? Do you think you hold the standard of whether or not he does his job well? Does he have to listen to you, but you don't have to listen to him? When you come to church, are you there to grow in the word of Christ, or are you there to make sure the pastor says the right things and everyone believes as you think they should?
How much of everyone else's time are you demanding? Do you highly regard your own counsel, and you take it personally when others don't ask for it? Have you been willing to listen to anyone else, or are you immediately ready to argue, even against correction offered lovingly? Do you have to be in everyone else's business, but no one better be asking about yours? Are you able to rejoice with those who rejoice (Romans 12:15), or does it upset you when God blesses someone else? Do you rejoice when sinners come to repentance and get saved, or are they not saved enough for you yet?
Is the gospel for that family sitting over there and they better listen to the sermon today but you're good? When you come to the Lord's table, are you secretly sneering at people you think shouldn't be taking it? Do you think you know who in your church is saved and who is not? Is everyone in church a bunch of hypocrites, but you're the one who's got it right? Do you think your church would be much better if everyone was just good like you?
Are you wondering why your church isn't doing more evangelism, why haven't we sent out any missionaries lately, why aren't there enough people working in the nursery, why hasn't the pastor done something about that person yet, why hasn't anyone called me, why doesn't someone vacuum this floor, but you're not willing to put forth the effort and serve?
If the needle on your me-meter has dropped past a certain level, you might be leaving your church soon. And you should go. You want the attention off the cross of Christ and put on yourself.
10) Something else has taken priority over the gospel.
Every church should be about proclaiming the gospel of Jesus Christ—naming sin, calling to repentance, preaching Christ and Him crucified, practicing the ministry of reconciliation, seeking first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, regularly meeting together every Lord's Day, encouraging one another in love and good works, and all the more as the day of the Lord draws near. If this is your church, good. Stay there. As Charles Spurgeon once said, "Don't go where it is all fine music and grand talk and beautiful architecture. Go where the gospel is preached and go often."
The moment something else becomes a priority for you over the gospel, you will find yourself becoming more and more disconnected from your church until eventually you leave it or you have to be disciplined out of it. Beware, my brothers and sisters, lest you be as the rocks or the thorns in Jesus' parable of the sower. You've heard the message of the kingdom, and you immediately received it with joy. But have selfishness and sinfulness, worldly pleasures and philosophies choked out the word and it proves to be unfruitful?
When the gospel falls upon good soil, it springs up and produces a bountiful harvest. But those who walk away from the gospel of Jesus Christ and His church reveal that they were never truly part of His church to begin with. "They went out from us, but they were not of us; for if they had been of us, they would have continued with us. But they went out, that it might become plain that they all are not of us" (1 John 2:19).
