5 Marriage Myths
This past Sunday, I preached on Ephesians 5:22-33, a sermon entitled Marriage as Christ Loves the Church. Wife, submit to your husband, as to the Lord. Husband, love your wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. Marriage is not a man-made institution—it is made by God. He created marriage and gave it to us as a picture of the way Christ loves His church.
Jesus defined marriage this way: "Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate" (Matthew 19:4-6).
Contrary to what the culture continues to impress upon us about the sexes, men and women are different. God has designated specific roles for the husband and the wife in a marriage, and they complement one another in strength and weakness within this one-flesh union. Ephesians 5:33 says, "Let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband." The husband and wife are both called to service, and they each serve in their own respective ways.
At the close of the sermon, I had planned on addressing and dispelling common marriage myths, but I ran out of time. Instead, I figured I could use that material for a blog! The following are five myths about marriage we need to stop repeating and believing.
MYTH: "It takes two to make the marriage stronger."
Surely you've heard, "It takes two to tango," or "It takes two to make a marriage, but only one to destroy it." There's some truth to these statements. Unfortunately, they are often made to shift blame in a troubled marriage—as if to say, "I did my part, but he wouldn't do his part. It takes two to tango, you know?"
The fact of the matter is this: if one person is willing to change, it can change the whole marriage.
When I'm alerted to a troubled marriage, I often hear first from one spouse. Very seldom does a couple come together and say, "We're a mess; please help!" In speaking with one spouse, I only hear one side. But one person who admits fault and wants counsel is enough to turn a marriage around for the better. There are things that one person can do that will transform the relationship.
In 1 Peter 3:1-6, the apostle Peter addresses the wives of unbelieving husbands. He says, "Even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives." The apostle Paul likewise says, "For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband... How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband whether you will save your wife?" (1 Corinthians 7:14, 16)
MYTH: "Marriage is 50/50."
This is the one myth I actually did get to in the sermon on Sunday. Another way of saying this is, "We need to meet each other half-way." But where is half-way? What is 50/50? Who draws these lines? The fact is, your spouse deserves all of you. Again, a wife is called to submit to her husband, and a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5:22, 25). How can you get out of that anything less than a total commitment to your marriage?
In the musical Oklahoma, the character Will Parker, an honest cowboy, is attempting to woo Ado Annie, a fickle girl who tends to lose self-control around men. He sings to her:
With me, it's all or nuthin'Even Rodgers and Hammerstein understood this! How much more should we as Christians?
Is it all or nuthin' with you
It can't be in between, it can't be now and then
No half and half romance will do
Romans 12:10 says, "Outdo one another in showing honor." That doesn't mean you compete against one another in showing charity. It means you're willing to lead in showing charity. You will show love, patience, kindness, and overall grace toward others before they have given you a reason to love them. Apply that to your marriage. There is no in-between. It's all or nuthin'.
Consider also 1 Corinthians 7:4, which says, "For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does." A husband and a wife are one flesh (Genesis 2:24, Ephesians 5:31). Be so united to each other, you would not even be able to identify where that line would be if you tried to split it in half.
MYTH: "Marriage is all about compromise."
The reason I don't like this saying is because it sounds like marriage is about one or both persons continually having to concede to the other and often out of reluctance. Can that ever be a happy marriage? One of you will be happy, but not both of you, and even then you'll only be happy some of the time. Yes, there are occasions you may have to compromise, but that's not what marriage is all about.
In defining marriage, John MacArthur said, "Marriage is the one and only human relationship that includes sexual activity; and it is designed by God to be full of love, it is designed by God to be fulfilling." MacArthur went on to detail that marriage is designed by God for procreation, for partnership, and for pleasure. On Sunday, I added a fourth "P" and said that marriage was also for praise. We are to worship God with our marriage.
Ephesians 5:29-32 says, "For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of His body. 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound! And I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church." Then verse 33 again: "However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."
Marriage is about Christ, not compromise. When we understand that our marriage is to point to our Messiah, it will change the entire marriage! We understand having the mind of Christ (Philippians 2:5). We understand forgiving one another as Christ has forgiven us (Colossians 3:13). We understand serving each other as Christ has served us (Mark 10:45). On and on it goes. We do all of this not out of reluctance but with joy, to the praise of our great God and Savior!
MYTH: "Don't air your dirty laundry."
Yes, there's this persistent lie that no one else needs to know about the problems you have in your marriage. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to discourage couples from taking that approach. If you want to have a healthy marriage, you need community. You need people to help you. That means you're going to have to let people in to your filthy closets sometimes.
Now, I'm not saying you have to live in a glass house where you're transparent about absolutely everything to everyone. But you also cannot put on these facades and fake personas making everyone believe that everything is okay. That is not going to help your marriage. In fact, it will do serious damage. You will find yourself wanting to live the lie believing you're happier in the dark than walking in the light of the truth.
We read in 1 John 1:6-7, "If we say we have fellowship with Him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin." That is as true for your marriage as it is for any other part of your Christian life.
Utilize the fellowship you have with the body of Christ, and have friends help you work out any problem areas in your marriage. Oh, and by the way, seek help from those you interact with personally, not people you know on the internet or from a distance who can't see and test the daily measure of your marriage. Galatians 6:2 says, "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ." James 5:16 says, "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed."
MYTH: "Marriage counseling is for marriages in real trouble."
I've shared with my congregation how low my success rate is in helping couples turn their marriage around. Every once in a while, someone will try to use that admission against me, accusing me of being such a poor pastor that I can't even save anyone's marriage. But that's like faulting a police officer for being unable to save a jumper mid-fall.
Most pastors have a low success rate in saving marriages on the rocks. I reckon the same is true of many professional counselors. The reason for this is because many couples wait until their relation-ship has been dashed against the rocks by the storm before they put out a S.O.S. and ask for help. Again, seek assistance from others, especially from within the fellowship of your church, and don't wait until the end is nigh before you ask for it.
No marriage is so far gone that it is beyond saving. As I said on Sunday, if you know that the Spirit of God has raised Christ from the dead, He can also give life to your dead marriage (Romans 8:11). But why not call on the Lord before your marriage is being wrapped in burial clothes? You can prevent some of the biggest problems by getting help sooner rather than later. Have trusted counselors and strong accountability when the marriage is good, and the Grim Reaper of Marriages may never come knocking at your door.
In Conclusion
We come to believe myths because we hear them repeated over and over so often, they become as the truth to our ears. But we have been called not to conform to the pattern of this world, but to be transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2). Build your marriage on truth, the rock of Christ Jesus, not the shifting sands of myths and endless speculations. Delight to honor God with your marriage.
I love my wife, and we have a beautiful marriage. But even the loveliest garden doesn't happen without a lot of work. Yes, it takes effort, it takes patience, and it takes love. But I promise you, with Christ's help, you also can have and enjoy a wonderful marriage. We have this guarantee: Christ will never leave us, nor forsake us; He will come to you; and His strength is made perfect in your weakness (Hebrews 13:5, John 14:18, 2 Corinthians 12:9).
Pick up the book "25 Christmas Myths and What the Bible Says" available now in paperback or for your Kindle!
